Meaning

Theres no meaning i can put on the word love. Theres nothing to describe it, or understand it. Its only feeling, but it manages to caputure the heart. I honestly dont know what love is, im to young and fragile. The only thing i know is i know it exists when i look in his eyes, i feel it in his touch, i hear it in his voice. I want to show him my love, let him feel it, but i dont know how. I hate this frustrated feeling knowing not knowing how love works.

Broken

Okay so this problem was resolved but i had an urge to write about it.

The door slammed shut, lock bolted down, my head bangin down on the wall, as i curl tight in the safety of my ball. I just lay there curled up on the bathroom floor. The silence almost deafening, i cant even hear my cries. My voice aint escapin, the breathings just to hard. My face painted black, my eyes swollen red. Inside im screaming, my heart in a slow crumble. Im slowly breaking down, slowly fading away. The shock of a broken promise, its been so long. Id forgot what its like to be this way. A broken promise does damage but its easier than heartbreak. The heart can survive a slow crumble. But then the tear in his eye, its mirroring mine. My cries out, had hurt him. I could hear it in his voice. I know that i love him, and i know he loves me. But this had hurt, quite deep. But nothing would ever compare to the heartache id have if my life was without him.

Past

Being scared of the past because of the future makes no sense, but in my case make a great deal in my life. Ive always into fortune tellers, and horoscopes, so when looking on the internet for horoscopes and stuff, i came across a website. So now rndomly i have a woman email me telling me that she found somethin interesting, or theres going to be an important transit going to happen. But this time her words stung me deep in the soul, this time she began talking about my past lifes. She gave no details, but something burned in my mind. She said that in my past lifes i had many heartbreaks and that i was hurt quite a lot. And that these things are subconsciously holding me back in this life to prevent being hurt. But slowly these problems are goin to take over. I began to wonder myself if any of these things were true, and they were. Im constantly havin nightmares of the same 3 dreams of my death, but from years far ahead of now. I put barrier around my heart so that if the pain comes ill push it out. I try my hardest not to show weakness. And I cant share my feelings with anyone.

Dreams

Over years of suppressing my feelings to help others, I forgot my dreams. After a convosation with a close friend it came to me. I cant believe Ive come to the point that i forgot my own dream. I want to get far away from here, feeling the sun touch my cheeks, and be only an hour away from the family I love. Yet still young, stuck here no way of making this dream true. And yet everyday Im still letting this dream die. Now sat in tears, I come to the point that its ever going to happen. Im uninvited. Im alone, away from where I want to be. Im fine here, I could be perfectly happy staying here. I mean this dream will die, it will. My head will fill with new dreams.

Lyrics

After six months youd think, i can trust again, but its still hard. Heartbreak aches deep in the soul. And after weeks trying to describe why Im like this, and how im rattling with my mind trying to let my feelings escape. Today I came across a song, and many of the lyrics describe my feelings, so here they are.

-near to you, I am healing
but it's taking so long

-such pain as this
shouldn't have to be experienced

-you and I have something different
and I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred,
but I am working oh so hard
to get back to who I used to be

-I only know that
I am better where you are

Please believe me, Im trying my best for him, I love him. I trust him with my whole, I just dont want heartbreak, I want to be with him the rest of my life. But my feelings have been crushed before, I think if i let things out I might destroy what me and him have.

Week

So one week is over, and yet the tears still come at night. Its meant to get easier over the passing days, as people view it its another day closer to seeing him again. But in my view, its just another day apart. The lonliness lingers in the silence, my mind free to wonder. His face getting harder to view, after filling my mind worth of a week with out him, my minds slowin forgetting things, Im trying to hold on to everything, but my memory aint that good suppose, he knows that. Pictures dont show everything, they have no words. Ive never missed anyone, this much. Its the oddest of all sensations being in love. He's become everything, and nothing else. I miss everything about him. I miss his smile, they way he looks at me, the way his hair flicks, the touch of his skin, his eyes when he laughs, they way he apologies, the way his hand wraps around mine, the fact his lips touch my forehead, the feeling of his arms being tight around me, his face when i win, the feel of his hair, the way he sleeps, and last of all the way he says 'i love you'.

Advice

So the best advice Ive ever given to anyone is; be you, theres nothing else you can do. But then reliesing i dont even follow my own words. To desprite to be the smiley girl trying to make everyone happy. By not doing this, or not saying and not even wearing that. Ive changed in the matter of half a year, and to be honest i dont know me, Im doin stuff i wouldnt do, and wearing stuff that blends in. And yet people prefer me this way. This makes me think, if even one person dared to be different what would happen? Would others change too, Would they mould around them. I wish people were allowed to be who they are, well they are allowed, but not accepted.

Cruel

The worlds so cruel. I never really noticed how lucky i am to be in love. I never noticed the fighting and breaking up round me. But when your bestfriend is left crushed, how are you meant to help? I dont know how it feels to be sad just now, i dont want to know how it feels. Im too happy, why need something bad have to happen now. I must sound rather selfish, but after last year i kinda of like the sensation of happiness, I forgot what it felt like. Trying to forget pain is hard, and Id put all suffering behind me. But when others were stuck down with ill-luck, i was stuck down too. I mirrored their every emotion, just so they felt like they had someone similar to turn to. I dont know how or why i do it, it comes naturally, like a six sense. I feel stupid now though, all sad and broke up about another persons breakup. But I cant make sense about, i feel a love for someone in need, to be honest you might think im lying, but i truth i love a lot of people, not in the sense that im in love with them in a firey passioniate way, but in a way a mother loves her child, i need to care for them and wipe away their tears, to make sure they are back on the track of their life. To be honest Im a totally emotionally wreck in so many ways, but i stay strong for others. I dont crack till the very last minute, till every things to much to cope, when things fall apart. I stay strong for him, i try hold my temper, but it always gets the better of me in someway, i try to force a smile when i dont want to, but just so he can smile back.

Refresh

Ok so, i just spent the last two days actually straight with the comfort of basically my sister. And yet again Im going to be with her today aswell. As Ive been spending basically my entire time with him and dance, its nice to see an old friend. At the end of these two weeks i will probably spend with her, me and my family are taking her away down south for a week. So next 3weeks is going to consist of totally nothing. Just like today, we spent to day watching tv, going it in pissing rain to deliver his newspapers for a £10 salary, and then now I find myself on this yet another night not being able to sleep watching kung fu panda. A reasonable childish but amazing film. And Im left thinking about the last thing me and him talked about, how Im not meant to help my bestfriend cause he is a guy and that would be getting to close. I dont get it...

First Love

People say you can only fall in love once. I not sure if thats true or not. I dont know if Ive been in love before. I pretty positive Im in love just now. But I loved someone before, but i dont think i was in love with them. Love is a very confusing concept, its over used these days and used in the wrong ways. You cant tell someone you love them, unless you really truely mean it, it breaks hearts. The most confusing love is first loves. They capture the heart, lie to you, deceive you, then leave you with everything but the only thing you wanted them. But when you let your heart swallow the tears, and get up again, they come back at you and knock you down again. And when you finally find someone and you move on, they come back sayin they love you again, whats the point in sayin that? Its stupid what am i meant to say? So nicely as i could i told him id moved on. If life was simple youd find the right person first, instead of having to go through heartache first. But when you find the right person, dont let go, remind them everyday that you need them, want them and that you love them. Show them that youd do anything in your power to be with them. I cant stress how important love is, its only got this important because of he is now in my life. I dont ever want to lose him, Id die for him. I love him.